Elizabeth rapped her knuckles three times in rapid succession against the strange metalloid
decking of the bathhouse floor. It wasn't quite the customary sharp bark of a gavel that she
remembered from meetings in her youth, but the dull ring echoed across the room effectively
enough. She nodded once as every face turned towards her, satisfied that a modicum of order
was in place.
She told herself that the sweat across her face and the steam curling her hair didn't diminish
authority. The other ladies weren't looking any better. Elizabeth mentally shook off her
insecurities and got down to business.
"Ladies," she said cordially. "We have a very serious matter before us, one requiring tempered
emotion and deep thought. I think you all know what I'm talking about."
Nods traveled around the room, from women submerged so far their faces were obscured by the
steam, to women perched on the rim, only their toes in the hot water. There was eagerness on
some of those faces, anger on others. A few were simply resigned. Elizabeth glanced to her right,
where Teyla simply waited with one arched eyebrow.
"Right," Elizabeth said under her breath, then she cleared her throat to charge back in. "Normally,
I would be appalled to even consider discussing the personal lives of anyone under my command.
However, I have come to realize that in this place, in this situation, one can not operate under
the same assumptions and rules of conduct that were established back on Earth."
She paused for a breath, her chest a little tight as she gauged the response among her companions.
Her fellow women. There were more nods. She didn't see censure anywhere, and when Kate Heightmeyer
smiled back at her, some of the tension seeped away like water down the drain. Teyla splashed beside
Elizabeth, and the small motion galvanized her. Once more unto the breech.
"Ladies. It's time we face the very real possibility that every man on this base is gay."
There it was. Bald-faced and ass-ugly, a working hypothesis at best, a statement of the facts at
worst. No one looked shocked, though quite a few of the women looked depressed. Dr. Mariko seemed
particularly crestfallen.
"While normally I would say live and let live, this possibility may very well affect everyone in
this room. Does anyone here have any information to support this hypothesis?"
The women shifted, water splashing and lapping with their movements. No one spoke up.
"Kate?"
Their psychologist smiled, looking as lovely as always even with her long blond hair straggling
dark like wet yarn across her pink cheeks and neck. She smiled with her usual warmth, but Elizabeth
noticed the determination in Kate's eyes.
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth," Kate said with a shake of her head. "I won't break patient confidences. I
agreed to come here to explore options, but that's all I can do."
Elizabeth sighed, disappointed and relieved at the same time. There were some lines she just wasn't
prepared to cross. Not yet.
"Are you thinking that something is causing the men to change their orientation, a something from
Atlantis itself?"
The question came from Dr. Ely, a brilliant young biologist Elizabeth was just starting to get
to know. Guilt swept through her as she realized how isolated she had become during the constant
crises facing the city. She breathed through it and refocused on the more pressing issue.
"It had entered my mind. Do you have any theories?"
Ely shrugged. "If we were on Earth, I would say it was an impossibility. Here," she shrugged again,
not needing to finish. They had all encountered too many impossible occurrences to believe in the
concept any longer. "It would help if we knew if they all are really gay, or merely resistant to
engaging in heterosexual relations, or if we are simply projecting our insecurities."
"We're not imagining it," Dr. Patil said in a low voice. She blushed as she noticed Elizabeth's
attention.
"Yes?" Elizabeth prompted with her best 'tell me more' look.
Patil blushed again, but her voice was dry when she replied. "Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay are
definitely engaged in a physical relationship."
More nods came from around the room, along with several 'uh-huhs' and something that sounded
suspiciously like 'humina humina'.
"As are Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill."
Elizabeth blinked at Teyla's confident statement. She knew that the Colonel was infatuated with
Daniel, but she hadn't thought it was anything more than that. "You know that for certain?"
Teyla cocked her head to the side and tucked her chin, giving Elizabeth a measuring look. "I
witnessed them, how do you say it, going at it in one of the storage rooms last week."
Elizabeth resisted the urge to cover her eyes. It wouldn't stop the images in her head, and she
needed to keep up the appearance of courage and strength. Her people needed a leader, not a
shrinking violet.
"But what about Dr. Jackson and Dr. McKay?" someone asked. "I thought they had a history."
"Right up until Major Hot Pants stuck his hand into the mix," someone else snickered. Elizabeth
thought it might have been Dr. Biro, the pathologist.
Everyone was talking now, exchanging bits of gossip and speculation like old biddies in the
beauty shop. Their voices blurred together as Elizabeth tried not to focus on the more colorful
details.
A hand touched her knee under the water. She looked into Teyla's warm brown eyes, empathy and
shared concern in their depths. She felt grounded by Teyla's gaze.
"Ladies!"
The sound of water slapping against the edge of the pool was loud in the sudden silence.
"Thank you. While Rodney and John, and Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill are our primary examples
of the problem, we need to focus on the broader situation. Is there any indication that other men
in Atlantis are affected?"
The women exchanged glances, but again no one offered any information. Elizabeth could understand
their reticence; social conditioning was a strong force, especially when it came to outing your
friends.
"If I may, Dr. Weir?"
She nodded at Teyla.
"I have not observed any evidence among my people of a shift in orientation, as I believe you
refer to it. If it is something caused by the city of the Ancestors, then it takes longer to manifest
than the time those men resided here."
Elizabeth nodded. That made sense.
Kate spoke up. "Perhaps you're trying to come at this from the wrong direction. Has anyone here
received any romantic or sexual overtures from the men? At all?"
The silence seemed deafening this time.
Someone cleared her throat. One of the young military women--Airman White, if Elizabeth remembered
correctly. "I thought Dr. Zelenka had a thing for you."
"Who?" Elizabeth asked, astonished.
"The short scientist with the glasses and floppy hair, you know--"
Elizabeth waved her hand. "I know who Dr. Zelenka is. I meant who were you talking to?"
"Um." Christine. Christine White, that was it. "You, Dr. Weir."
As Elizabeth sat back, trying to absorb the idea, someone else spoke up. She didn't even try to
figure out who it was.
"I thought he was involved with Grodin."
"No way. They're just friends. It's Beckett."
"Peter and Carson?" Biro sounded surprised, but not displeased.
Someone else giggled. "No, Radek and Carson."
"I thought I saw Sergeant Bates macking on Peter the other day."
"That's just wrong." White looked like she had just smelled bad cheese. Or perhaps that stew
Halling had brought from the mainland last week.
"I think it's hot. Have you seen the muscles on those guys?"
Elizabeth shut her eyes and sank down until only her chin was above water. This was ridiculous.
It reminded her of the Baltic negotiations. Only this time, she was directly affected by the outcome.
She felt the water surge around her, but she kept her eyes shut.
"Dr. Weir?"
Elizabeth peeked through slitted eyelids. Kate and Teyla were crouched in front of her, identical
looks of concern on their faces. She opened her eyes and smiled to reassure them.
"Maybe we should talk about strategy," Kate said. "Otherwise, none of us will ever get laid again."
A bark of laughter escaped before Elizabeth slapped a hand over her mouth. It shouldn't be funny--it
was far too true. She glanced at Teyla, whose full lips were quirked with humor, obviously understanding
despite the Earth colloquialism.
"All right," Elizabeth slowly said, considering her options. "Let's not focus on existing
relationships. Though we probably should rule out any possibility of Ancient technology as the
culprit."
Kate nodded. "Perhaps Drs. Ely and Biro could look into that."
"Right. I'll talk with them. Secondly, I think that we as a female population need to step up to
the plate. Scientists are notoriously consumed by their work, and the military has so many regulations
I'm amazed any of them can find their own asses. We can't wait for the boys to make the first move."
Teyla cocked her head. "You are planning a concerted offense."
Elizabeth smiled. "Not an attack. A seduction. They'll never know what hit them."
Kate smiled as well. "I can see why you're in charge."
Elizabeth just shook her head. Some days she thought Atlantis would be better off without her.
Today was not one of those days.
"Dr. Weir."
She turned to Teyla, reached through the water to lay her pruning fingers on Teyla's delicate
wrist. "Please do call me Elizabeth. Especially here."
Teyla's smile was wide and shining for an instant before she resumed her normal serious demeanor.
"Elizabeth," she continued, "while I do not disagree with this plan, I think that it would be
wise to prepare for the possibility that the men are resistant to our advances."
Elizabeth sighed. "Did you have something in mind?"
Teyla's lips drew to the side in a devilish smirk. Elizabeth felt a hot blush travel across her
body as Teyla's eyes flicked up and down.
"I do not believe that men are so necessary. Not when one is not seeking to bear children."
Elizabeth swallowed and glanced at Kate. Kate was studying her intensely, her gaze a burning
weight on Elizabeth's skin. She closed her eyes once again, taking deep breaths and letting the
water buoy her body.
She thought. Or, she tried to think. There were too many new images and ideas swirling in her
brain to sort them in any logical fashion. Instead, as she had so many times in similar fraught
situations, she listened to her gut.
When Elizabeth opened her eyes, she felt more determined and relaxed than she had in ages. She
was a diplomat, after all, and part of that was being receptive to new situations and different
cultures.
"Well, when in Rome, girls. At least we have a plan."